He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
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I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
where are my eyebrows?
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