i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
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there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
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HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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