halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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