So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
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Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
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