The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
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That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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