Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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