if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
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Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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