I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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