You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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