stop calling my apartment porn island.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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