you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
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