I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
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I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
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My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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