i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
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Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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