I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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