Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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