We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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