After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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