Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
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I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
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I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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