she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize