Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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