I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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