I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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