so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
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doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
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When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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