sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
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Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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