He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
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Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
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I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i think i just lost a toe
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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