I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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