i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
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I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
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Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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