someone threw a dead crab at me
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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