im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
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btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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