my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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