i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
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