Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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