if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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