I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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