The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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