I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
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please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
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Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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