I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think my moral compass just broke
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