im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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