Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Ambien. No doubt about it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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