Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
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You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
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Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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