What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
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I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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