Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
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He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
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Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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