omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
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Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
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