hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
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I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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