hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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