My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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