when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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