Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
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When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
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Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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