I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
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I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
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