You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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